Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
