I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
