Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
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I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
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friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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