Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
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I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
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I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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