heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
