Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
