my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
