I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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