I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
