You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
