I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
