he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
