yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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