When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
