My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
