Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
