Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
