I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
