I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
