I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
