Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
