I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
