You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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