If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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