I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
