I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
