Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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