I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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