I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
