its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
