if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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