I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
