i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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