this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
