I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Alive.
So much puke
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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