then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
We are all done wearing pants today
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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