Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
