Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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