Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
