drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
