nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
