If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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