we're chasing vodka with high fives
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
