if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
