Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
