I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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