i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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