Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
