i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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