Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My life is pants optional.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
