Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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