I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Randomize
