Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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