Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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