i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
