We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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