i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
